Insomnia

    As she settled into the darkness, Xo relaxed every fiber of her being; felt her edges fading, blurring into the surrounding night. With each breath in, she absorbed more of the thick, inviting void; with each breath out, she released even more of her grip on self. This was her domain, another part of her whole- there were no worries to grip her by the throat and demand her attention, none of the slow, awkward, error-prone communication that plagued the monotony of her “regular life”. In this place, this state of being, Xo was the architect of cosmic works, a composer of symphonies on the scale of galaxies. And after what always felt too long- it was time to come home. Like water spilling into the ocean, Xo flooded back into herself, released her mind from the shackles of form and identity, and allowed herself to vanish into her own universe.

    The silent nothing that was Xo collapsed into herself, she came to understand the vast, infinite emptiness she contained within herself. Though she could reach further and further in limitlessness, no handhold could she reach nor wall could she find to press against within. As she turned to look around herself, she found the same applied to the space outside as well- no matter where or when she went, she always wound up finding herself. This ceremony was neither new, nor old; it simply was. A way to remind herself, to prepare herself, to become herself. This was her canvas, her invention. Yet, at the same time, this was her.

Empty.

        Vast.

                Eager for creation.

                        Reality Unfolded For Her

    In a shattered eternity, a fraction of infinity, existence began to coalesce. Tendrils of physicality rose like aether, streaming over her and falling softly back into herself. Whether she simply observed the execution of her latent intent, or guided each step with the conviction Xo did not have time to contemplate, as she flowed about herself. More and more, she could feel her vastness giving way to form, allowing shape and movement where she had once been all and nothing at once.

    She remembered the joy of swimming as energy, gliding through her currents and bursting out to greet new limits; the ecstasy of letting herself surrender to the rhythm. She flew through her eddies, screaming with excitement each time she jumped from one to the next. Over and over, she flowed, all the while pushing and pulling her features into more exciting, more thrilling loops.

    As she coursed, Xo added even more detail to her fantasy incarnate with each pass. She no longer felt the weight pushing her in on herself as before, no longer the need to release herself. Instead, Xo became the weight, letting herself embody the sensation of mass. She allowed herself to shape things; no longer was she being pushed, she was pushing out beyond the extents she once had, expanding into another familiar form.

    Almost as if she had been waiting for this moment specifically, Xo began to shimmer with excitement. All across her expanse, the matter that had once been flowing, free, and formless began to spin in on itself, forming spiraling masses of glowing gems falling over themselves in an ever-changing cascade. Like conviction piercing through a veil of uncertainty, adding definition to once-unseen beauties, she came alight. What once was subtle and formless became bold and evocative, what was cold and dead became warm and inviting. She had arrived at the true starting point of her work; she could now begin her task.

    Xo knew what came next- the very thought of it had caused ripples of inspiration, already. However, her memory didn’t guide her thoughts this time; instead, she submitted to raw imagination. Rather than leading herself, following her plan, she devoted her focus to memorizing each detail of what she became; she had all the time she needed in this space without time, this time without space, but each iteration on her masterpiece brought her closer to releasing the vision within. And each failure was another lesson to be learned; she scorched herself, froze herself, consumed herself, re-wrote the very foundations on which she had originally built. There was no pain, no suffering. In contrast, each time she allowed herself to fall back into old ways, to shake off the changes and refresh her approach, Xo felt she could nearly reach out and grab the final pieces, floating just in the periphery of her dreams. In fact, the more she allowed herself to be controlled by artistic impulse, the more she realized she could actually see how it fit together.

    Xo woke up.

    She recognized the familiar feeling of her chair arm pressing against her thigh as she sat at her desk, looking at the rainbow of text splashed across her text editor. Behind her, one of several project managers was looming, apparently trying to decipher the code on her screen; she was never quite sure whether he was going blind, or just a naturally creepy person. “I’m sorry, I was debugging something in my head,” Xo responded, scooting forward just enough to turn to him in the small, crowded cubicle, “what did you ask?” Wait, what was that last thing I did? Shit. She tried to smile, but could tell he thought she was being sarcastic. I think I... no...

    “Oh it’s not a big deal, if you’re busy,” the manager smiled casually and pretended to lean on the fake wall of the DIY office space, “By the way, I just wanted to let you know that we’re going to be adding another feature in the next sprint. I don’t have any details yet, but it’s probably similar to that one you did last October.”

    “Okay.” She looked at him, waiting for whatever he came over to tell her.

    The manager took a sip from his coffee and made a light-hearted joke about locking all the “anti-social” developers away in a dungeon to improve office morale. Xo turned back to her screen, willing his existence from her mind. She heard him begin to leave, and let herself settle into the darkness once more, blocking the sounds of his forced laughter as he encountered another manager in the hallway.

    It came more quickly this time- she hadn’t been gone as long, and quickly felt herself fall into a dimensionless world. She explored the space within herself, reaching in, further and further, grasping, yet meeting no resistance to her touch. She prepared herself for the creative process, embracing the tranquility of infinite mental expression; but just as she began to feel the flow of existence trickle into being,

    Xo woke up.

    Her computer screen was gladly lit up with a notification, flashing eagerly in anticipation of fulfilling its purpose and dictating her course of action for the day. Xo opened the notification window and numbly skimmed across her afternoon schedule.

Reminder:

Persistence bug fix check-in Today, 1:30 PM - 2:30 PM

15 minutes

Upcoming Reminders:

Client check-in (persistence bug status) Today, 2:30 PM - 3:30 PM

Feature road-mapping (migrate persistence layer to cloud) Today, 4:00 PM - 4:30 PM

    Xo saved her file, closed her editor, and let the focus she still managed to grasp onto float away with the rest. She only had 15 minutes to kill, and wouldn’t have time after the meetings and follow-up emails to do much else, today, anyway. As she updated the bug ticket with her work for the day to prepare for the discussions, Xo chuckled coldly to herself. Maybe tomorrow, she thought, and turned off her machine.